


Dong Means Police

by Keijis



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Other, rubber & cop AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-04-25 16:59:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4968973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keijis/pseuds/Keijis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the cop and robber au u never knew u needed</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It Must be f8

**Author's Note:**

  * For [isshikisenpai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/isshikisenpai/gifts).



> Sorry fans :) I took a 1 year long break but I'm back with more new fresh memefics <3 with love, from me, memerina

Semi is a cool af robber. he was born for this literally  
his mom always told him "if you steal something, make sure it's worth a lot of $$$$$$$"  
that was bcos he once stole a flower in the neighbors garden n tried to sell it to the black market  
he also tried to sell a bucket full of piss bc he overheard some ppl say it was from a "golden shower"  
but that was all back in 2008. now hes all grown and smart. he knows his shit.

it was for 2nite  
the robbery of his fucken life  
he had heard of that one legend  
a myth saying that in that one highschool gym, kids were playing volleyball with a special volleyball  
a diamond was apparently hidden in it  
he was v excited

he waited for teh night 2 come

he planned it All perfectly he enter teh gym. take the volley and leave easy? but he didn't kno his life was abt to change that night.........

* * *

 

it 3 am. here he comes

theres no light

n he manage to enter the gym but he gets easily startled when he hear someon shout

"WHOS HERE" teh voice says

Semi dosnt reply bc hes a robber and robbers don't reply

 "I SAID WHO THE FUCK IS Hre" teh voice says agan

"BrO WHOWS HERE!!!!!!! REPLY U FUCKER JUST OWK ME UP"

semi hides. what if hes abt to get caught. he doesnt nee d a fucken highschooler playing vball to know about him.

its still dark

but suddenly the light turns on (just like semi will be in a few minutes)

No ones here.

theres no living soul in this gym, and semi asks himself if hes not just crazy

he leaves his hiding spot to  look around when a voice shout at him

"YOU HERE WHATCHA DOING sTANDING THERE R U HERE TO PLAY VULLEYBULL OR NUH"

"the fuck" semi says

"FUCKING LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU DAMN KIDS THESE DAYS????"

"the fuck x2???" semi says

 "it me talking lol" 

when semi turns around all he sees is a bench

white and clean

so bright it could cleanse the worst sinners souls

its almost as if the moon was standing in front of him

the MOON 

its shining like diamonds in the sky and semi wonders if that bench isn't the secret treasure of this gym

 

semi slaps himself

 wtf hes the robber? how could a bench steal HIS FUCKING HEART, he wonder.

but  maybe this was worth all the money of the world

maybe love was the true treasure

he gets closer and whispers

"is it you, talking to me?"

the bench replies " yes it me"

suddenly semi starts to blush like a big red tomato

"damn" he say

 

 "what u here for, pretty boy..." the bench say

"Ioim  her e to fuck" blushi

"JUS TKIDIDNG i want to steal the volleyball"

the bench gasps quitely

bench: *gasps*

 

"u do know I'm a donger right. the most famous dong." the bench adds

"a? a ? a what?"

" a dong, mr."

"A DONG???" he yells

"yes. here Dong means police."

"SO YOURE A FUCKING DONGA???? DAMN SHIT THAT SUCKS" semi cries

he feels like he failed his momther, his dadther, his bruhther, his cousin and his dog, inuoka

all he ever wanted was to steal shit

he never got caught and he sure didn't want it to happen today

"CALL THE DONGAS ALL YOU WANT, FUCKER" he said calmly "U CANT CATCH THIS" he did the thing.

"damn right." the bench say.

 

 


	2. Teh Fuckening™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shit gets down and I gotta say its not the only thing going down *points at semi's pants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it me again. fans were thirsty for more so I had to write at godspeed

“listen. pretty boy. There is one way.” the bench took a deep breath before finishing to talk “The only way 4 u to steal the precious volleyball and to be the king of balls is to… “ the bench cough

“IS TO WHAT TELL ME already:y!! !!!” semi excite

“we have to go through the Fuckening™.” Bench-san says with a deep and sekushii horse voice

“the- h-trh –hytteh TEH FUCKENING??? ™???”

“Yes, the fuckerning, do you kno what thart is”

“no”

The bench sigh and *facepalm*

“ok well… you know… emm… hang on I’ll google it”

*clears throat* “so when ur parents met they loved each other v much and…”

“no they didn’t” semi interrup

“I said When ur parents met they loved each ovther V LUCH AND.

“no They DIDN’T”

“TJEY FUCKING DID SHUT THE FU CK UP AD LISTEN BLOODY HELL”

“ok clam down lol”

“so when ur parents met they loved each other v much and-“

*semi whispers No they didn’t

“FUCK U U GOT ME??? ALRIGHT your parenets hated each other and they fucked. That’s it that’s how u came to life and what we’re gonna do too”

“ehwha th eht eFu ck What  Hey  oa h NHEY no HHWa”

“I know, kid, I know.”

Semi was almost crying hIs KNEES To teh groung thinkin that his momthe LIED to him bc she said he caME to the world rom heaven that he was a lil angel and came flying to his momether but didn’t remember it

He thought this was what happened forhis whoel Life

e had been LIED to he JHAd BEEN WRONGed and the H8tERS HAve TO Pay

the bench put a hand on his Sloduher and tehn pat his head.

“I’m sorry I had to brk ezk It to u Like that sweaty”

“its ok… so is that fuckenign about. ive never fuckened im sorry”

the bench gasped quitely Again and bit his voluptuous lips "I can show u how its done"

semi smiled . he was really happy. he finally met someone ready to help him

more than anything it was one of thos dick shit dongas. helping him. a fucking dong fucking help him.

but he felt MOre than happiness being helped by that bench

it could have been any other bench but no. he wanted it to be that one bench.

It /HAD/ to be that bench, the bench he would do the fuckening with.

the bench 

anyway, semi was v confudes bc he didnt kno what do. he wantd the Bench to give him indications on how to fucken it was a new experience for him and he was v excited

it was truly f8

he came here to steal

before his life was all sad but now he just met the love of his life

the bench nodded and said "come sit on me boy itll be fine!!!!"

hesitant.s emi did.

the Bench

fuck

*fuckening noises*

bench puts *do not look sign*

(I cant write sin)

They sin.

They sinned.

They did it

the bench is exhausted

semi is exhausted too

they're both exhausted so they slep.

30 mins later semi wakes up in panic!!! "THE BALL I WANT THE BALL WHEERE ITS  THE BALL WAKE WUP WAKE UP BENCH"

bench opens his eyes with difficulites but when it sees semi's beautiful face his pure look his pretty smile and his weird hair ih can't help but smeile.

"gmornign love"

semi blushes and say "its not the time for this, I need to go I can't stay the whole night here.... I need ou to tell me where the ball is"

the bench becosms Serious all of A SUDEEN.

 "right. im glad you did the fuckening with me. your such a good boy. I think I like you." then bench is not White anymor its RED AF

" re u blushing" 

"yes" bench looks dwn "im blushing"

"its cute"

"not as cute as u"

"okay anyway. wheres the ball"

"thats the thing..." the bench sheds a little tear

"No one went as far as you before so I managed to hide that secret really long...

the only real way to steal the ball is to kill me"

 

...

 

Semi gasped. He couldnt believe it

"KILL MY NEW FOUND SOULMATE???? WTF LOL LMAO THERES NO WAY IM DONG THIS" he thought to hismelf.

"I know what you're thinking. but this is the only way if you want to steal it."

semi suddenly came to th suden realizantion that he fucked up

"my dog warned me. he said there would b one day something that would change m life for eveR. that thing was u. its such a dilenmla.

:( he did  teh sad Face (tm)

 

 he had to think. and to make a descision. qucikkly.

 

 


	3. I need u bro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they need each other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 chapters already I hope u keep enjoying it  
> the next chapter will be the ending of our otp's story already...

the lights turned OFf all of a sudden. you could feel the drama in the air that night

semi and the bench were now standing quite far from eahc other/

its like they didnt even dare stnding Next to each other or evEn look at the other in hte Eyes

what semi just learnt made him feel very ampty

He had to kill the bench

the one he did the Fuckening with Who was so nice to him who appreciated hiom For who he really was.

That bench was probably his fisrt Friend since he was Raisen as a rubber all his life he didnt kno what fRiends was but to him

if this wsnt fucken friendship what was

he just met him and it was crazy but he kinde wanted to leave him his phone number so he could call him any day to go throrugh the Fuckening again (maybe)

tho the bench would die today if semi really wanted that special volleyball

the hard was too choice (choice: is hard)

semi felt like tearing his own messy hair out

"DAMN" HE YELL

"damn" he say again

"damn" replies bench-san

 

semi just sit there in the dark for an hour

he had like 2 hours left to decide and leave bc When the sun rise and Shine ppl would come to play.

maybe the bench would even denocne him to the other dongas.

he didnt want to spend his life in jail. he was young, wild, beautiuf hot and Pretty

he didnt came out that day to be very attacked

 

when eveyrthin Was silent

and he thought This fucken silentce Would kill him dead

the bench spoke up

"Kiss....Kisss" he said in a singy Voice

a spotlight turned on and drew a circle of light around the white bench, now wet with tears

something behind them spoke up too, like a chorus. maybe it was the volleyballs, but we shall never know

"Kiss" it said

"......." the bench rsay

"fall " the supposed volleyball say

Semi stopps Crying. he looks up

another spolight trusn On and that makes him stand up

he coughs

he dont undesrtaND.

bench : "IN LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE" 

"I wanna stop Id otn want YOU Aymore. " he breath

""I cant do this IT SUCKS

the bench is rapping

 

Semi Gasps

then he comes closer

the spotlight follows him His eyes are sparkling and probably the tears slowing falling down his cheeks are sparkling too like tsTArts IN THE NIGHT since its the night

"You cjan't DO this to me

All th e f things You said were amasK " eh starts kinda singing

semi falles the Ground And sings louder 

"it hides the truth and RIPS me apart

it PIERCES ME

I'm oging RWRAZY

I hate this. Take it ALL a ywa I HATE YOU"

 

the bench tries to hold back his tears : No it wasnt supposed to go like tHIS he loved semi

he loved him

"but you're my everything..." 

the (balls) started singing too

"You're my" it was short but gave the benchs lyrics more Power

bench "evertything..

balls : You're my

bench : EVetrTHING

balls : you're my

Semi: PLEa se GO AWAY HUH

 

semi then contiuens. 

"I'm sorry

I hate you

I love you 

I hate oyu

....

Forhive ME" he c lose His eye and lzu s On the gorund. hoping he would wake up from thIS teribel dream

 

"I EED YOU BENCH WHY AM IIN LOVE ALONE WHY AM IHURTING ALLONE" *bngs HEAd on the Wall*

"I NEED YOU BENCHHWY DO IKEE P NEEDING YOUWHEN I KNOW I'LL GET HURT............"

smei Starts cryong so hardhe cant stop or talk or sing anymore.

 

bench is sad.

"I need you semi, you're beautifyl3....é he Say

I need you semiIf uc king NEED YOU SEMI

I NEED YOU SEMI IF CUKING DO I DO I NEED YOU"

the bench shouts

 

this makes semi happier. much happier

IG O SOWN ND DOWN at this POINT I'm just a fool

Whatver I DO I CANT HELP IT !!!!

It's def my kokoro. My feelsbut why dont They Fucking leistne TO ME

Im JUST talking to me self again x4

u not saying anything pls I'll treat yo Well

The Skys blue or v dark rn

so my tears are even MORE noticeable

why is ityou Why did it have to be you................" HE RAPPS like a pro rapper like He was born for dis.

"why can't I kill u......" he cry?

 

both spotlight then turn off

the volleyball Gasp at the same time then start crying loudly and its just like in that goose vine. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

none of them have the strenth tO keep singing to each OTher. silence.

nobody talks. 

what shall he do

what shall he fucking do

</3

 


	4. Btch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finaly. The end of the breathtaking fiction  
> thanks for reading ^^ bye

It was npw OR NEVeR. 

damn what should he do Nobody knows

[SEMI opens his eyes] 

[THE BENCH comes closer]

But soft???w hat Light throguh yonger Winsozs Break??  
It is the east… or the west… whatever I have no idea… lmao rip  
THE BENCH IS MY SUN.. THE ONE WHO LIGHTS UP MY LIFE…  
as the sun sets I am confused as to where I should look at…  
two sources of light yet one is good and natural while  
the other might kill me (war flashbacks to the fuckening)  
Arise. fir sun. and stab the fucken moon  
who is already pale With grief look at it LMao So #pale  
that tho u her maid isfart fair than she is  
but not her maid!!!!! since she is envious  
her vestle library is so sick and dope and green af  
and none but freaking fools do wear it !!!! DON’T WEAR IT  
WHY ARE U FUCKINNNNNN WEARn§INGT IT  
I hate it hate it don’t wear it when u and I meet  
its too hard to take it off  
just do it  
It is my bench, o it Is my Love!!  
O that it knew it were…  
It speaks…. (romantically raps in russian my ear) yet it says nothing::!!!! WHATA OF THAT  
bench-sanw hata Wrong With Me pysen  
wwoow THERe I am too bald. tis not to me it speaks   
#betrayed once more #yolo #youth #ikea  
two of the f aRest thstatds In teh universe  
ahving Some “buisingess” *does the “ “ thing with his hands*  
but what if its eyes… were there They in its head  
THE fuckg in GUFcobrightness of the cheeks (which cheeks u migthh ASk)  
would shame the FUCKEN stars Like go home bitches  
as daylthight doth A Lamp ™ its eyes in H ea ven  
ould through the hairy region shine so brighte  
that even tEh birds would fly high thinkin its not night xD bc its bright (got it?)  
see how it does the thing… with its hand  
stop doing the thing YAMETE  
I wish I was a fucking glove  
I might tooch THAt chekk

[BENCH]  
ay me xD !!

[SEMI]  
wow u spoke  
SPEAK AGAIN ANGLE OF MY HEART PLS

[bENCH]  
no get lost

[SEMI]  
*gets lost*  
[BENCH]  
Alas!! why art thou such a fückboy!!!!!

[SEMI]  
*shrugs*

[BENCH]  
AS IS A WINGED MESSENGER OF THE HOLY HEAVENS  
Unto teh white untenurned wondering eyes  
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him  
O SEMI, FUCKING SEMI EITA! wherefore art thou SEMI EITA?  
Deny thy Daddy and Refuse Thy Name  
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,  
And I’ll… NO longer be a bench.

[SEMI] (aside)  
shall I hear more.. or shall I speak at this … eotteoke

[BeNCH]  
TIS BUT thy name is My fucken Enemy  
THOU ARt THYSELF… though not a thief..  
What's a fucking thief?? it is nor hand, nor foot,  
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part!!!!  
Belonging to a man. O, be some other profession!!!  
Whats even a profession??? whp cares!!!! damn iy  
By any other profession would smell like sweet  
So Semi would, were he not the son of FUCKING THIEFS…. where he not  
Retain that dear perfection which he owes  
Without that title. Semi-kun, doff thy name,  
And for that name which is no part of thee  
just fuckin take me

[SEMI]  
I take thee at thy word  
Call me bABY and I'll be new baptized  
Henceforth I never will be a thief again…  
By a fucking family job  
I know not how to tell thee who I am !!  
My name, My pjjob !!! dear saint, is hateful to myself,  
Because it is an enemy to thee my love  
Had I it written, I would tear the word I s2g

[BENCH]  
My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words  
Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound <3  
Art thou not Semi Eita, young kid and a fucken thief???

[SEMI]  
Now Bench if u allow me… HOW TLAL ARE YOU???

[BENCH]  
im p short… 2 feet tall or smth Why?

[SEMI]  
I’m six one I like short chick  
[BENCH]  
Yeah I heard it’s good to be a short bench

[SEMI]  
don’t get me started… do u like tall guys?

[BENCH]  
ye DEffinitiely. IT would be weird if a guy was my height

[SEMI]  
What abuout Dick size

[SEMI]  
hey cutie you’re beautiful

[SEMI]  
don’t ignore me

[SEMI]  
wanna give me a bday head

[SEMI]  
..

[SEMI]  
Am I not worthy of even a simply Yes from thee

[SEMI]  
I take that back. Your actually just a bitch  
a FUCKING bitch  
bENCHINISM IS A PLEGUE TO SOCIETY!!!!!!

[bENCH]  
I was peeing, chill

[SEMI]  
do u think a guy wants to hear that. ur disgusting LMAO BYE

[BENCH]  
bye

//Semi kills the bench// 

THE END.


End file.
